It is all on me

The most important decision I ever made in my life was taking responsibility for everything. It is all on me.  Well most everything but taking responsibility especially for things in my adult life. You see, I woke up one day and I was 41 years old. I realized, by looking at my family history of aging and death, that half of my life was gone. It had gone by pretty fast. So I guess you could say I had my midlife crisis. As humans do we ever act so passionately as we do when the shit has really hit the fan? So I wondered what had I been doing for 41 years? Yeah I could say going to school, working to pay bills, and having relationships. However, I wanted to dig deeper. What held me back at any given time?
I could easily blame having to obtain college degrees to get great paying jobs or going in and out of relationships that only ended for sucking up a great deal of time but none of that was it. I had made all of the choices I had made to do everything I had done. I was once told by a psychology professor that no one is responsible for your feelings but you. If your feelings are hurt, that is your fault. That confused me because this same professor was teaching us to become therapists and fix other people’s hurt feelings. However, you have to look at it as what exists versus what you create.There are people who have the unfortunate hand dealt in life of dealing with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or other chemical imbalances where the brain is actually impacted. There are genuine scars that life can leave such as rape or abuse that leave deep emotional scars. Those are the people who cannot take full responsibility.  That is what exists. Then there are the rest of us who go to therapy or feel like we need therapy because we lack self- esteem, love, strength, etc. Whoa is me. Right? That is what is created.
Oh but the media shows us we should be skinny and rich. Society makes me weak. Other people’s negative energy and influence impact me. EXCUSES. We have to take responsibility for everything we can in our own life. I made the decision to go to school. I made the decision to take the job I took. I made the decision to date this woman and continue along even though my gut said “ Warning! Will Robinson! Warning!” I made the choice to let what other people think or say impact how I acted, felt, or did not act or did not feel. I made the choice to go along with the flow. Everything that has happened to me has been the result of some choice I made. None of it is anyone other person’s fault: not your parents, friends, bosses, or ex-lovers. It is all on you. It is all on me. Sound like too much responsibility? It can because we are so used to finger pointing because the government keeps us poor, media keeps us on the couch, and the food in the store keeps us fat. Right? Someone forces you not to vote, not to get off the couch, and not to shop organic. By accepting your responsibility, you actually give yourself strength. You are in charge. You are strong.
Once you have that strength and that feeling of control then you lose the feeling to need to control anything or anyone else. Then you can start asking yourself “Well if I am responsible for everything that happens to me then what can I give to myself as well?” There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first. What good can you possibly be to others if you do not love yourself- the most age old anti-religious sentiment but the most important fact of life that we constantly ignore is that we have to love and accept our own self first before we can truly love or help anyone else.
Once I accepted that everything was my choice, my doing, me; I then began to ask myself well what can I give to myself or do for myself that I always expected everyone else to do? Until my business plan takes off then yes I have to work for this person to get paid and I have to pay my bills. I do not have to but honestly I have no desire to live in the woods and be nomadic. I am responsible for the fact that I thoroughly enjoy some of life’s creature comforts lol. That is my choice. Now, what can I give to myself? I started with what have I always thought I was looking for emotionally.
Well I had always wanted people to congratulate me for accomplishments. I had always wanted to be recognized by peers and family. I was constantly doing for others because I liked feeling needed. I went on dates and got into relationships because I constantly looked for things in other people that I wanted to be or could not obtain and I enjoyed that initial excitement, euphoric feeling of meeting someone new. Of course all of these feelings fade. So the quest is how do I give these feelings to myself without needing them from someone else?, so that when they do come along from someone else they are not sought out from desperation, frustration, previously failed relationships, loneliness, or one of the many other reasons we do what we do. Self-love is the answer. Do I have all of the anecdotes to this self-love yet? Absolutely not. I am trying to figure out how to do something I have not done for 41 years. I am putting it out there to see what I can learn to do. I want you to tell me what you think self-love is and how to do it. (I am taking video submissions for this project to jenswarm1@gmail.com).
I did start my learning of self-love by doing a few things. Despite the nudging of friends that I needed to get back on the dating horse, I am not. How many times have we said I need to work on me? Then we go work on something else. We stay busy to stay ignorant to what we really need to be doing for our own self. Now do not get me wrong, I really like me for me but I can love me even more because I have thought in my life that I loved others more than myself. That was not true. I let that persist. The first thing I have done is removed the idea of needing to be silent. I do not care if anyone else thinks I talk too much or does not like what I have to say. As long as I am not insulting you or being prejudice then how am I hurting you? I will no longer like things just to fit in. If you have never liked the taste of onions then why eat them. If you never liked country music then why listen to it just to have something in common with a person you like. I feel good inside when I express so why should I be quiet if someone else cannot handle it.  The most common used phrase when a friendship or relationship ends is “you are just not who I thought you were.” So I prefer to always be me.
Silence also means no longer keeping quiet when you believe something just because you do not want to rock the boat. Again, I do not mean prejudice or insulting comments. I mean if you believe in being Republican, say so. If you believe in being very gay, say so. My favorite phrase that people who struggle with internalized homophobia say is “it is not all about being gay” or “I do not shoot rainbows out of my butt.” When you sit silently on your own fears, you only enable those who are phobic towards you. You only give more power in silence to those who want to conquer, divide, and quiet different. So I will say what I believe and if a new friend does not like it, well then we just were not meant to hang out.
I will no longer be a people pleaser. Being a people pleaser is such a fruitless task. People pleasers sit around judging people all day and discussing other people’s lives and then in turn try very hard to be accepted by those they have issue with. They need to feel important to others. We were born with our own individual DNA, looks, thoughts, and talents. So why do we try so hard to fit in? Do we have some kind of genetic need to be in cults? Lol. Please yourself. Love yourself.  Again I emphasize as long as no other humans or animals are harmed in the making of this you.
I care what people think if they think I am being harmful. Otherwise, most of the time people are simply being judgmental or need you to be like them to make them feel valid. The true strength anyone can ever gain is not letting what other people say or think get to them. Sure lots of people say they do not and it does. So you have to learn that in the end, you only have you. Really. If you worry so much about what Person A over there thinks and you wake up one day twenty years later and Person A is and has everything they want and you don’t then whose fault is that?
Now I am sure so far this has all sounded very selfish. I am by no means saying other people do not matter. I need sex, don’t you? That is a joke. Kind of. Lol. No really, I do believe in being part of society and fixing the world we live in. I just think self-love comes first so we have the strength to be an active part and be our own genuine self while doing so. Not help others because we feel like it makes us a better person or gets us into the pearly gates, but we because we have love and strength so we want to help those who don’t.
Yes, we absolutely should give our time and money to those in need. This will probably get me into trouble but I do have a sound belief of what it means to be in need. There is nothing I love more than to ask someone “How are you changing and impacting lives?” for them to answer “Well I am charging people money every month or week and selling them a product that can impact and changes their lives.” Lol. Oh…don’t you love how marketing and schemes work. What can you do to truly impact and change other people’s lives that serves no profit to you? That is the last and most important question to self-love. We live in an age where the internet, Hulu, and everything else is providing us many things for free so eventually those turning a profit will go out of business. Love for others is not a business. You have choices to make in how you live.
I accept responsibility for my choices and my life. I love me. I feel good in my own skin. I do not feel lost in it. I can give myself good things and good feelings. I do not need love from other people. I do not need acceptance from other people. I can love others. I can fight for equality. I can change the world without needing to gain anything from doing that. I can be self-love internally and externally.
I tend to make things longer than they need be but it is simple. You have to look inwards first. You then look outwards. Then you look up and around. You cannot spend life looking down at the sidewalk silently, walking fast, until someone bumps into you and then you blame them for being in your way. You are the only thing ever standing in your way. Self-love. Get out of your own way.

Tomato soup and grilled cheese with mustard and hot sauce on the side…

I had a random memory today that changed the day. I wanted to get to lunch and back quickly because I felt overwhelmed, too busy, and stressed. By taking this short cut, that meant I had to walk outside in the cold and rain a bit. I am willing to do whatever is needed when I feel that I am being inconvenienced. The cold wind pierced my face and changed my appetite for chicken and salad. My mind, on a whim of its own, went back to my childhood with my Nana and how when it was cold she would heat up tomato soup and make a grilled cheese sandwich on the side that she dipped into mustard mixed with hot sauce. I could almost taste it as if I could also hear Bonanza blaring off of her TV too loudly. She would always randomly show up during my work day with something to eat in hand. Thinking about her brings memories of chili, slim jim’s, and peppermint patties (no, not all at the same time).
She has been gone six years and the memories make me walk a little slower on my break and think of others that are gone. My Uncle Danny who used to cook us pancakes when my Aunt would get ready for church and how my cousin would gross me out when he would sneeze near the new pile of pancakes. My former boss who always crosses my mind when someone is popping popcorn. He was a business man who would take a break and adorn a ridiculous ball cap and apron to pop us popcorn in his machine so we would also take a break and socialize. All missed and gone too long.
They say if you stay in the past, you miss the present. Perhaps we are too busy in the present trying to get to the future that the past can remind us to slow down. I can easily miss those passed on but forget to make new memories with those who are still with me:
My Mom, still here, who loves cereal or a really good milkshake. My sister, still here, who will cheat with me on an order of bread sticks or want frozen yogurt even when there is ice on the ground. My girlfriend, still here, who for some reason I love having Pho with. Perhaps it is the way she is bundled up in pink scarf, gloves, winter hat, and shares a bowl of food with me. My friends, those still here, who enjoy a good laugh over various nice meals. My niece and nephew, still here, who as children thought I performed magic when I placed hot cinnamon rolls on the table but now are grown and have kids of their own.
I took a short cut today to hurry through my day and found memories that reminded me to slow down. Life is busy but you have to spend time with those who make it full. I took my time, went back to my office, and spent a few minutes talking to everyone about how their life is going and the stress, being overwhelmed, and busy were immediately gone. The next time I get in a hurry or too busy to call someone I love to tell them I love them, I’ll do what I did today and have a bowl of tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich with mustard and hot sauce on the side.