Cheating

How do I feel about cheating? Here is how I feel. There are two types of people in relationships: non- cheaters and cheaters. I feel sorry for people who cheat because I do not think they do it intentionally to hurt people or get someone better.
I think they are constantly looking for satisfaction that they cannot find internally in their own sense of self. It is easier to like things about people that you wish you obtained in your own personality. Cheaters usually find what they personally lack in the form of other people.
I am a non-cheater. I would end it before I even said hello to someone with intent. I am also someone with a very strong personality and a great deal of intelligence who thinks she can rise above anything. So I have stayed in relationships with people
who did not deserve me long past the expiration date because I thought I could improve that person or get them to a good spot with their own self. I would be over supportive and feel too sorry for them. Thankfully Karma, Fate, Guardian Angels…whatever you believe in protects me. It comes along and lures the bad energy away from me with bait.
Someone with a loose moral compass comes in and interferes in a relationship and encourages the cheater and the cheater takes the bait. You are being done a favor by something out there that knows you are better than the situation you are in. Sometimes being a strong person internally is a curse because you have enough strength for both people so you forgive and do not see them for who they really are. So something stronger than you has to set you free from things unworthy of you.
That is how I see it now, a blessing. It forces you into a happiness you forgot existed before that person. So consider yourself lucky: the better person, and fortunate that Karma looks out for you.

The perfectly honest personal ad

Some friends and I were discussing online dating and how the age boxes go 18-25, 25-40, and then over 40 is all lumped together sometime and now there is a box where you can make sure you do not get women over 40 in your filters. We wonder how it is over 40 for straight women is the new hot in but lesbians over 40 have been herded into a box. So I wrote the perfectly honest personal ad.

Hey, you, yes you. I saw that. You really liked my photos but you just clicked past my profile because it said 41. What is wrong with being over 40? Are you worried about what I am going to look like in twenty years? Do you even know you will be around in 20 years? Better yet, how do you know they would not be the best 20 years of your life? I have been in my skin a long time but it is beautiful because I have learned a great deal in that time. I was there when AIDS first hit the newspapers and scared the shit out of all of us. I was there marching with ACT UP when it first marched across the streets of Washington DC. I used to have to go to lesbian bars in alley ways and have the clipping from the gay newspaper to get in so we warned off cops raiding the bar or people who wanted to harm us coming in. I used to have to meet women face to face in random moments and that was my only shot at meeting women. I came out in the late 80’s when the only places safe to do that were barely New York and San Francisco. I have seen a great deal in my time and that history makes me rich and who I am beyond the word interesting. Do not get me even started on what I have learned about romance and sex in over 25 years. You have no idea.
There are reasons that older men score younger chicks. Think about it. You know something else I learned by not having the advantage of social media: social skills. If you do not like someone, be honest. In life, not every situation will be online, and you will not get to simply avoid the situation. At least politely say no thank you. Trust me, earning Karma points throughout a long life are much more valuable later on than likes. Do not ignore people. Take the time to simply reply, thank you but you are not my type. I wish I could just hit a big red X every time my boss said something I did not like. In life, most of the time, courtesy would go a long way. You are not going to hurt my feelings. I have been rejected face to face long before I could hide behind a phone.
Is anyone really any good at filling out these things? They give you a list of interest to choose from. I cannot check a box that says: I have to go to work, life can be stressful, and honestly I wish every day could be me, my friends, and a special someone sitting on a patio, opening up craw fish, and drinking beer after playing volleyball. Admit it, you look at the photos and keep going. Sometimes if the girl is very attractive to you then you might as well be reading Chinese in the descriptions.
You know how I made the really good friends I have today? Well aside from trying to play softball, the friend dating a friend who dated that friend who dated your ex equation of the lesbian community: talking. Several of my good friends came up to me in a bar or at a cook out and asked to buy me a drink or asked my name. At some point, I made it clear I had no intention of dating them but we none the less became good friends. Sure, I want to be in love like anyone else but you know what is a wonderful thing that is around even if the love does not work out? Friends. Lots and lots and lots of friends. I have straight friends. I have gay male friends. I have transgender friends. I have friends of all ages, shapes, sizes, race, and orientation but you know what I selfishly enjoy more than anything: my motorcycle riding, shit talking, grill mastering, beer drinking, laid back lesbian friends.
So how about instead of thinking I am hot but then not like my age or finding my statement of saying I want to make friend false because some women do not mean it, you stop for a second and realize just how awesome and smart us older lesbians are.

It is all on me

The most important decision I ever made in my life was taking responsibility for everything. It is all on me.  Well most everything but taking responsibility especially for things in my adult life. You see, I woke up one day and I was 41 years old. I realized, by looking at my family history of aging and death, that half of my life was gone. It had gone by pretty fast. So I guess you could say I had my midlife crisis. As humans do we ever act so passionately as we do when the shit has really hit the fan? So I wondered what had I been doing for 41 years? Yeah I could say going to school, working to pay bills, and having relationships. However, I wanted to dig deeper. What held me back at any given time?
I could easily blame having to obtain college degrees to get great paying jobs or going in and out of relationships that only ended for sucking up a great deal of time but none of that was it. I had made all of the choices I had made to do everything I had done. I was once told by a psychology professor that no one is responsible for your feelings but you. If your feelings are hurt, that is your fault. That confused me because this same professor was teaching us to become therapists and fix other people’s hurt feelings. However, you have to look at it as what exists versus what you create.There are people who have the unfortunate hand dealt in life of dealing with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or other chemical imbalances where the brain is actually impacted. There are genuine scars that life can leave such as rape or abuse that leave deep emotional scars. Those are the people who cannot take full responsibility.  That is what exists. Then there are the rest of us who go to therapy or feel like we need therapy because we lack self- esteem, love, strength, etc. Whoa is me. Right? That is what is created.
Oh but the media shows us we should be skinny and rich. Society makes me weak. Other people’s negative energy and influence impact me. EXCUSES. We have to take responsibility for everything we can in our own life. I made the decision to go to school. I made the decision to take the job I took. I made the decision to date this woman and continue along even though my gut said “ Warning! Will Robinson! Warning!” I made the choice to let what other people think or say impact how I acted, felt, or did not act or did not feel. I made the choice to go along with the flow. Everything that has happened to me has been the result of some choice I made. None of it is anyone other person’s fault: not your parents, friends, bosses, or ex-lovers. It is all on you. It is all on me. Sound like too much responsibility? It can because we are so used to finger pointing because the government keeps us poor, media keeps us on the couch, and the food in the store keeps us fat. Right? Someone forces you not to vote, not to get off the couch, and not to shop organic. By accepting your responsibility, you actually give yourself strength. You are in charge. You are strong.
Once you have that strength and that feeling of control then you lose the feeling to need to control anything or anyone else. Then you can start asking yourself “Well if I am responsible for everything that happens to me then what can I give to myself as well?” There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first. What good can you possibly be to others if you do not love yourself- the most age old anti-religious sentiment but the most important fact of life that we constantly ignore is that we have to love and accept our own self first before we can truly love or help anyone else.
Once I accepted that everything was my choice, my doing, me; I then began to ask myself well what can I give to myself or do for myself that I always expected everyone else to do? Until my business plan takes off then yes I have to work for this person to get paid and I have to pay my bills. I do not have to but honestly I have no desire to live in the woods and be nomadic. I am responsible for the fact that I thoroughly enjoy some of life’s creature comforts lol. That is my choice. Now, what can I give to myself? I started with what have I always thought I was looking for emotionally.
Well I had always wanted people to congratulate me for accomplishments. I had always wanted to be recognized by peers and family. I was constantly doing for others because I liked feeling needed. I went on dates and got into relationships because I constantly looked for things in other people that I wanted to be or could not obtain and I enjoyed that initial excitement, euphoric feeling of meeting someone new. Of course all of these feelings fade. So the quest is how do I give these feelings to myself without needing them from someone else?, so that when they do come along from someone else they are not sought out from desperation, frustration, previously failed relationships, loneliness, or one of the many other reasons we do what we do. Self-love is the answer. Do I have all of the anecdotes to this self-love yet? Absolutely not. I am trying to figure out how to do something I have not done for 41 years. I am putting it out there to see what I can learn to do. I want you to tell me what you think self-love is and how to do it. (I am taking video submissions for this project to jenswarm1@gmail.com).
I did start my learning of self-love by doing a few things. Despite the nudging of friends that I needed to get back on the dating horse, I am not. How many times have we said I need to work on me? Then we go work on something else. We stay busy to stay ignorant to what we really need to be doing for our own self. Now do not get me wrong, I really like me for me but I can love me even more because I have thought in my life that I loved others more than myself. That was not true. I let that persist. The first thing I have done is removed the idea of needing to be silent. I do not care if anyone else thinks I talk too much or does not like what I have to say. As long as I am not insulting you or being prejudice then how am I hurting you? I will no longer like things just to fit in. If you have never liked the taste of onions then why eat them. If you never liked country music then why listen to it just to have something in common with a person you like. I feel good inside when I express so why should I be quiet if someone else cannot handle it.  The most common used phrase when a friendship or relationship ends is “you are just not who I thought you were.” So I prefer to always be me.
Silence also means no longer keeping quiet when you believe something just because you do not want to rock the boat. Again, I do not mean prejudice or insulting comments. I mean if you believe in being Republican, say so. If you believe in being very gay, say so. My favorite phrase that people who struggle with internalized homophobia say is “it is not all about being gay” or “I do not shoot rainbows out of my butt.” When you sit silently on your own fears, you only enable those who are phobic towards you. You only give more power in silence to those who want to conquer, divide, and quiet different. So I will say what I believe and if a new friend does not like it, well then we just were not meant to hang out.
I will no longer be a people pleaser. Being a people pleaser is such a fruitless task. People pleasers sit around judging people all day and discussing other people’s lives and then in turn try very hard to be accepted by those they have issue with. They need to feel important to others. We were born with our own individual DNA, looks, thoughts, and talents. So why do we try so hard to fit in? Do we have some kind of genetic need to be in cults? Lol. Please yourself. Love yourself.  Again I emphasize as long as no other humans or animals are harmed in the making of this you.
I care what people think if they think I am being harmful. Otherwise, most of the time people are simply being judgmental or need you to be like them to make them feel valid. The true strength anyone can ever gain is not letting what other people say or think get to them. Sure lots of people say they do not and it does. So you have to learn that in the end, you only have you. Really. If you worry so much about what Person A over there thinks and you wake up one day twenty years later and Person A is and has everything they want and you don’t then whose fault is that?
Now I am sure so far this has all sounded very selfish. I am by no means saying other people do not matter. I need sex, don’t you? That is a joke. Kind of. Lol. No really, I do believe in being part of society and fixing the world we live in. I just think self-love comes first so we have the strength to be an active part and be our own genuine self while doing so. Not help others because we feel like it makes us a better person or gets us into the pearly gates, but we because we have love and strength so we want to help those who don’t.
Yes, we absolutely should give our time and money to those in need. This will probably get me into trouble but I do have a sound belief of what it means to be in need. There is nothing I love more than to ask someone “How are you changing and impacting lives?” for them to answer “Well I am charging people money every month or week and selling them a product that can impact and changes their lives.” Lol. Oh…don’t you love how marketing and schemes work. What can you do to truly impact and change other people’s lives that serves no profit to you? That is the last and most important question to self-love. We live in an age where the internet, Hulu, and everything else is providing us many things for free so eventually those turning a profit will go out of business. Love for others is not a business. You have choices to make in how you live.
I accept responsibility for my choices and my life. I love me. I feel good in my own skin. I do not feel lost in it. I can give myself good things and good feelings. I do not need love from other people. I do not need acceptance from other people. I can love others. I can fight for equality. I can change the world without needing to gain anything from doing that. I can be self-love internally and externally.
I tend to make things longer than they need be but it is simple. You have to look inwards first. You then look outwards. Then you look up and around. You cannot spend life looking down at the sidewalk silently, walking fast, until someone bumps into you and then you blame them for being in your way. You are the only thing ever standing in your way. Self-love. Get out of your own way.

Summer of Self Love

Do not mistake this for an anti-love approach. I am by no means bitter or lonely. I actually was reminded why hiatus is really, really good for me. Sure, I have had offers for dates since newly single. I even browsed, with friends over beers, the fun and open land of online personals. I took mine down because within one day it was like a swarm of bees. I do believe in love. I have no doubt that one day I will meet someone who can equal me on ego-centricity (a new word I coined for self love), intelligence, emotional depth, and communication skills. If I exist at this level then surely someone else will finally as well.  I need someone with internal strength. I know it will happen because I have depths of good karma and a very unshakeable and solid belief in energy. However, I also have patience. I refuse to bring another person into any subconscious or not yet displayed luggage from my last relationship by allowing myself to be overwhelmed by newness or need. Anyone that knows me knows I stuff nothing away for later and open my mouth the minute I think it should be said. Later is useless. I am too good for average reactions from my own self. I prefer now. Confrontation is the healthy saturation of words and emotion that lead you to healthy contemplation.

I wrote an article four years ago about how you should use the equation of waiting a certain amount/time you were together before starting anything new. I still believe in it.  Of course, waiting does not guarantee anything will work and unfortunately you cannot do ink blot tests on first dates but it does guarantee that you do not repeat mistakes, rebound on another innocent person, and if it does end then you walk away without any doubt as to why it ended on your part. It guarantees that you are not being selfish to only inevitably hurt someone with that selfish need. Spare me the “we are just dating, “it is what it is”, ” we are not committed”, and “we are just talking” mumbo- jumbo that everyone uses as camo for “I am emotionally needy but not labeling it makes me look like I am not.” Your friends nod at you and say I support you and then go home and talk about “there she goes again.”

It is very easy for anything to play on our weaknesses. Spring is in the air. Where as we probably spent most of the past few months indoors or with close friends because the weather was nasty, we now emerge into more social settings. It has been psychologically proven test after test that people do not pay attention to other people as much when it is cold, especially since we are clothed in layers and such. We pay more attention to people when the weather warms and people are less dressed and smile more. Therefore, those same couples we saw all winter, we now notice more in Spring. Commercials flood our sub conscious with two people, not one, but two going on vacations, movies, bars, etc. Have you not noticed how many times a day you now see ads for e harmony and match? The marketing people know that we mammals that call ourselves human are not immune to the impact of Spring.

Do I say ignore it? No. Sometimes the only way to get to a good point of self love and being an emotionally and mentally healthy person is to do like some did in their 20’s already and go one relationship right to the next until something finally clicks and you go “oh”. I say though to actually, if you can, practice self love as well (get your mind out of the gutter), I am not talking about masturbation or going on a diet or joining that exercise group that you really could do, just like masturbation, all by yourself if you just tried. Do not give your energy to the advertisement of diets, dating sites, or the new glorified gym teacher who stands there and tells you how THEY are going to change your life. Really? you need someone to stand in front of you and tell you what to do? Who can change your life other than you? Do they have their lives in order to be giving out advice? Why would you ever pay for the things that life really offers for free when you are tuned in and enjoying being self motivated?

Summer of Self Love…I mean what are you going to do that actually betters you on the inside: emotionally and mentally? I want to know. I want to start a movement that counters the advertisement of need and actually focuses on self improvement that only you can give you. Make a video and send it to: jenswarm1@gmail.com and tell me about your Summer of Self Love…I plan on putting them all together to post online and put out for the world.  Come on, do it (that is about as persuasive as I get). I love me and cannot think of why you would not.

You do not need to find you

 

I think sometimes we get lost in this misleading concept that we need to find ourselves. Are we really lost? Or do we not just simply sometimes dig deep, resolve the issues, calm the storms, silence the outside world for a minute, and just listen. People talk and stay in motion because to be still with who they are inside makes them afraid. What has fear ever accomplished that was good?

I decided to drive down the East Coast for vacation: no sounds that had to be created; just those that already exist. The crash of the waves, the rocks that fall when you drive on an ocean incline, and the air from that water like no other blowing in your face: these are sounds that give the soul strength.

I am at what I thought was a crossroads in my life. That can make one feel complex. If you look at it as a new beginning then you are denying all that you have been until now. I realized I am simply in my life.

I stopped where I spent my teenage years. I just finished a book about those times and this place so I wanted photos. I left with much more.

This place I once despised and ran from is just another place. Roads paved the same and everyone simply trying to stay one step ahead of where they just walked. I pulled up to the high school and walked inside and around. I did not hear the name calling. I had no desire to walk quickly with my head down.

I drove down many streets and I could see the young girls we once were racing our bikes as fast as we could wanting tomorrow to come sooner. I had no desire to yell out the window and tell the young me anything. She will learn the hard way but the hard way has a great amount of satisfaction and gives the person inside a history that now has me slowly cruising down the same hill and able to see the beauty in the simplicity of it all.

I walked along the football field where I felt the sting of heartbreak for the first time as she kissed a boy in front of me. I did not need to run under bleachers and cry anymore. Loss was simple then and had no bad intent or deceit or lies; just innocent youth. All that walked away then until now only miss out on the unique wonder of me that stands here now.

My final stop was at the mill by the river where the dead trees stay. Without ruining any of my book, let me say I realized it was just water running along a bank. My knees did not tremble and I stood tall. I smiled. Why? I was alive, healthy, and happy walking away strong. I could see one more time where my journey into an adult began; where my ego, determination, stubbornness, and strive were born.

I got in my car and just listened before I said “oh but we have so so so much more to love, see, and do kid. Let’s go”.

I have always and will always be me. 

Girrrrl, please pay attention to what is really in your mirror

Recently, I realized something about myself: I like as few people in charge as possible and I really deep down do not care what anyone thinks of me unless they catch me on a bad day and well then that is just my fault. I step out of my door in the morning in my old jeans, my faded t-shirts with their funny sayings, and my old shoes maybe looking homeless because I can actually be impressive with what is on the inside so I keep the outside simple and fun. We live in a society that controls our finances, debt, food, and rights. That is enough in and of itself. So why allow anyone else to make any more of your decisions or limit your choices for you? Power can be alluring and it can come in many shapes and sizes but I discovered that once again I prefer the power of no thank you, I can do this all by myself. I find it much more invigorating. I do not need anyone else to make me feel better.

People mistake it for me having an ego. Fine by me. I would rather be told I have an ego than I have a lack of self or too many hang ups. The beautiful thing that has come from my life recently is that a series of events in a matter of time from December until now have allowed me to, once and for all, completely say good bye to the past. Not everyone is happy with this, especially when they thought they finally had their place, but they will live. I realized I cannot play along. I just cannot lie, cheat, or hurt people because I refuse to hide behind the mirror instead of actually spending time in front of it. People live out their days in a routine because it is easier to draw a box and stay safe inside. I can actually travel without luggage. I can breathe, eat, make decisions, sleep, and live without anything weighing on my conscience and without the past haunting me. I really like myself, especially now that I have managed to have another epiphany. If you want to call that ego, go ahead. People only call out other people when they cannot handle their overflowing closet of issues. The voice inside your head trying to keep you from mistakes is easy to avoid if you keep talking so keep talking. I prefer to listen to me.

Life is short as they say. It does not contain enough fun by any means. So why should anyone limit their own self to just one thing? If you allow one thing to completely absorb you then what more are you than a sponge? Eventually you get thrown out when you are too old and replaced with another one. Success should never be measured by other people and how many like you or think you are doing a great job. Success should be measured in how good you continuously feel about yourself in one day and how honestly happy you are. Not just say I am happy or claim to know what happiness is when you do not but genuine continuous happiness that actually shows in your face, your energy, and your presence. How hard do you really have to force that smile? How unnatural does it feel on your face? Is it only eyeliner to the pain in your eyes?  You can say you are happy all day long but people can smile, nod, and walk away and say “She looks miserable.” People say what they think you want to hear to avoid hurting your feelings and avoiding confrontation. If you are truly happy, they do not have that power.

I tend not to buy what is in the store of life because I cannot settle for average.Average means allowing yourself to live easily and avoid the truth. Truth lies in dealing with pain and then letting it go. People only tease when they want to ease their own pain. Queer people make fun of other queer people being too gay or shooting rainbows out of their rear because they have not dealt with their true sexual orientation or they have not processed their own internalized homophobia. People who have no idea how to love but very badly want it, buy into romantic songs and picnics beside lakes but eventually the first date wears off and their lack of belief comes shining through. People who constantly tell you what is wrong with you and the little things that you do not do right are suffering inside and avoiding all the things that are wrong with their own self. All of that is unfortunately the average. What happens when you hang around that too long is you start to become it and actually believe what they say.

There are certain jobs and things that anyone can do. That is great because they are needed. There are some things that not everyone can do. I prefer to live above average. Life is short as they say. The important thing to remember is life is not a jacket. Do not change what you are wearing to try and please another person. Do not allow someone else to hand you a shirt with a slogan that really fits them and not you. Do not be a sheep and buy the uniform and drink the kool-aid. Why advertise for anyone other than your own self? People can claim they have a mission but the bottom line will always be how much you can earn for them. Identify who you are. Fix your problems. Deal with your issues and your past. Do not put on a jacket that hides the word Queer because someone else is making it cold. Do not change what you are wearing to try and be something you are not. Life is not a jacket. Nothing can ever cover up who you really are. Ever.
What am I? I am reinvigorated, re-polished, re-started, relieved, really laughing at some things that now that I can think clearly were really funny and pretty obvious, recharging, and ready to go full steam ahead. What am I wearing? Why does it matter? Girl, please pay attention to what is really in your mirror.

How I prefer to walk

I thought about it long and hard. At the end of the day, no matter the sway of emotions, I would still rather be the one with all the mixed emotions than be the one who feels nothing. I would rather know who I am and have a shitty day then have no idea who I am and not be able to sleep because my mind is not my own and my heart beats tainted. I have never withheld my emotions. Every ex-girlfriend is nodding their head emphatically right now but at least every single one would saying nothing but nice things about me.
I cannot sit on my emotions. I also cannot filter my mouth. So if I feel something, you know the minute I feel it and you know exactly where you stand with me and what I think. Yes I had one day where I slipped up and was not nice but one day compared to hundreds of days being mean is quite a difference. I wear it all on my sleeves and I put it all of who I am out there, never hiding a single facet. Quite frankly, I love that about myself. So, I have always been bluntly honest about where I stand. Sure, it caused some break ups but every person I ever even went on one date with thanked me for being honest and thanked me for not dragging them along. My life will be an open book without chapters left out because I would hate to be torn. So I might walk down the sidewalk with thoughts running through my head and memories coming into my train of thought only to sting a little, but I can make that walk down the sidewalk with my head held high.
Life is pretty hard as it is. You have to atone for the rotten things you did as a teenager and spend your adult life making up for the crazy and stupid things you did in your early twenties. Life is constantly throwing hurdles at you as you run: deaths of family, deaths of friends, job losses, bosses you cannot stand, accidents, and just some unexpected things. Life is hard enough as it is so why make it harder at all? Not one of us is not emotionally damaged in some ways or has not had ups and downs. Life is hard enough that I cannot imagine also having to carry around the guilt of what you have done to another person.
Luckily, I do not have that weight. I have never avoided confrontation. I do not asked to be forgiven for sins, I own them because I do what I do and no one and no thing controls what I do. I am responsible for me. I am responsible for my own actions. You cannot necessarily control how you feel or how those feelings change but you most certainly can always control how you act. That is a fact that no one overlooks.
So yes I have a long road to walk and there are more hurdles coming but at least I can make that walk all by myself. I can walk that walk with my head held high and with no guilt numbing my feet as I move. I can make that walk knowing I didn’t step on anyone’s  toes as I turned around to look back and know only good when I look back. I can take that walk knowing I will never walk the same path twice ever. I can take that walk and never hide from the road ahead or take breaks in dark corners. I can walk with a smile despite it all because I can walk with my head held high and no shame on my side.

This will be the hardest thing to do: love anyway.

Dear Aubree,

You are due to come and join us in August. You are already breathing and heart beating through this miraculous process that reminds me there are higher powers at work in the world and there is still hope at the end of the day.
When you arrive, there will be a great deal of bad things going on: wars, terrorism, crime, continuous misunderstandings and fear that result in hate that seems like a battle for some kind of unobtainable power. I know this seems like very bleak and dark things to say to an unborn baby but as much as I want you to be immune to what we have done to this planet and to others, I cannot leave you in a pink bubble full of glitter and Barbie where all the weeble wobbles have equality and no one is left out.
You and I will walk down the streets together as you get older. Even though it has been hundreds and hundreds of years, someone will still call you out for being a child of mixed race and having me; the lesbian Aunt. As much as I would like to talk so loudly that you never hear anything but love, I cannot leave you in silence of what the world can sound like.
Do not fret: Love can conquer all.There will be many happy things. There will be a great deal of love. There will be numerous positive things said to you and about you. There will be an enormous amount of moments that make you smile and make your heart swell large. There is still an extremely large amount of hope in this world. It is up to you to keep that alive.
When someone passes by you, always say Hi.
When someone sneezes, say bless you.
When someone gets on the elevator with you or serves you lunch, ask how are you today?                                                                                         When someone cuts you off on the road, wave and smile.
Share, always share.
When you make a mistake, say I am sorry.
When someone is in need, you give to them.
When the news seems grim, pray.
Share, always share.
When someone you love breaks your heart, forgive them and get up and keep going.
When people do not acknowledge your kindness, give it anyway because as much as it might hurt your feelings it is really not about the thank you.
When people disappoint you, love them anyway.
Share, always share.
When unkind words sit on the tip of your tongue because you want to cry or hurt, cry instead and do not speak unkind words.
When other kids make it seem like the thing to do, never make fun of other kids.
When the ground seems dry, water it and plant seeds until they grow.
No matter how hard it seems sometimes, love anyway.
Share, always share
No matter how lost someone is, love anyway.
No matter how much it hurts, love anyway.
No matter how many times you fall, love anyway.
Share, always share.
No matter how long your day has been, tell people you love them every single day before you to go bed.

Ironically, these will be the hardest things to do out of everything.
Even me, your soon to be favorite person, has failed at these things so many times over and over again. I have cheated only myself by doing so.
This will be the hardest thing to do: love anyway.
Doing them will save you and maybe even someone else.

You are not even here yet but your mother’s desire to love a child brought you here despite her heartaches.
You are not even here yet but so many people who have not met you, love you.
You are not even here yet, and I would give anything, even my own health to make sure you do.
You are not even here yet and love has conquered all for you.
Love can be the most difficult but most powerful thing of all.

Love
Aunt Jen

Valentine’s Day for the Gay

The last chair on the third row all the way into the classroom waiting with stomach in knots for the final class of the day in third grade to be over. I sat in my favorite long black bell bottom jeans, boys blue converse tennis shoes, Pac-Man sweatshirt, and my messy hair pulled back into a ponytail after my mother took the time to brush it and braid it but I hate girl hair. My legs swung from the desk anxiously as I sat on my sweaty hands. I made a secret valentine for the first time in my life. I hated Valentine’s Day normally because I was not a popular kid in class. I sat quietly most of the time and teased. So when kids brought their cards, some of them intentionally did not follow the rules and give everyone a card. Some gave me a lame card while they bothered to tape candy to their friend’s cards. I always ended up going home with my feelings hurt. This year I decided to put a card that I did not sign into the bag of the prettiest girl I had every laid eyes on. Unfortunately, she would never guess it came from another girl and spent the next two days playing a guessing game with the boys. I knew back then I could never sign my name to that card.
As I grew older, this ritual of showing affection on holidays or with coming of age traditions, became harder and even harder. I watched everyone go to their first dance with the gender they wanted to go with. Again, in the same boy’s shoes and shirts I sat against the wall in chairs with the girls that no one asked to dance. I was okay with that because I did not want to dance with boys. I usually attended to watch over the latest girl I had a crush on. In high school, I would watch as the boys put their team jackets on their new girlfriend and gave them their class ring to wear. I stood in the shadows as people shared their first kiss or first sexual experience. I could only day dream about having those moments in junior high and high school.
Valentine’s Day always sucked because that is the day that red hearts, cards, flowers, and candy would always show up to the teachers from their spouses. High school no longer required anyone be fair and put a card in everyone’s bag. You walked up to a table and purchased flowers and/or candy for classroom delivery to the one you loved. Either that or you actually had a delivery company bring something into the school. I once again had a big crush on a girl. I could not walk up to the table and pay for anything for anyone and mark it anonymous because someone would tell. Calling the delivery company was out of the question because someone could find out whose credit card it came from, not to mention my mother did not have a credit card, so it would mean going into the store in person. I had no way to tell this girl that I loved her.
So I came up with an alternate plan. I had watched my Aunt create letters out of candy for baskets she sold at church. So one night when my mother worked late, I baked a sheet of candy and cut out I love you (well I did the best I could in cutting out the letters with a knife), carefully placed each letter on a stick, and borrowing a basket that I was sure my Aunt would not miss since she had so many, carefully placed them on a stand and filled the basket with rose petals. Once my mother was home from work and asleep, I carefully crawled out of my bedroom window, rode my bike across town, and with the most careful of movements placed the basket I made with an anonymous note on this girl’s back porch.
Now, would she ever know it was me? Of course not, this was 1990 and I could never dare sign my name. So why do it? For like everyone, especially with hormones at 17, I just wanted to express what I was feeling somehow. I just wanted to her to know that someone thought of her the way she wanted to be thought of. I wanted to believe in romance like I saw in the movies. I wanted to believe that one day I could do something creative and cute for another girl. For now, I just had to do it as her secret admirer.
That next day in class, I sat as I always did in the last row and last desk I could find. I had on my Adidas three stripe athletic pants that I adored because I hated women’s jeans and I did not want to be teased for wearing men’s jeans, my Adidas boy’s sneakers, my Def Leppard T shirt, and my hair pulled back into the usual ponytail. At 17, I was taller than most so instead of my legs hanging from my desk, my legs touched the floor both shaking with anticipation. I tried to pretend I was writing to avoid sitting on my hands. I waited for her to walk in and just acknowledge her secret admirer. I just wanted to see the smile on her face. That would be enough for then. She came in and I was immediately crushed because her meat head of a boyfriend took advantage of the situation and took credit for the whole thing. I was mad but back then I could never ask her to a dance or sign my card to her.
Now, as much as life gets away from me and I do think sometimes that the retail industry is trying to control us with holidays such as Valentine’s Day, I do go out and I do get some flowers, candy, and especially a card. Yes, it is a hallmark holiday and yes it is not one anyone likes to be single on but whether I like a girl or am with one, I always get a card because now I can finally sign my name.

Bullyitis

 

 

I have a bad case of bullyitis. Yes, I created a new word. Bullyitis- the long term effects of bullying. We see all over the news today that there are severe and deadly consequences to being bullied. However, for those that live, bullyitis follows us through our whole life. How? Well I only have my own symptoms that I can testify to but I think perhaps others will see the spots if they too have ever been bullied.
Bullyitis obviously starts with the first contact of being told that you are anything but a human being who is equal to everyone else and deserves the same as anyone else. My diagnosis started as a child with being made fun of by an adult but told that this constant teasing was how this person showed love. Why would it ever be acceptable to show love through anything other than positive and encouraging words? The idea of teasing just for fun should be examined over again. What is it you are actually easing within yourself or justifying about how you feel by teasing someone else? What are you gaining if anything? Is it just a way for any of us to feel superior? I know it is why I have done it, that and the excuse to be funny and make others laugh but at what expense? Thick skin is indeed penetrable and is not reflective.
My infection of bullyitis continued when I was constantly teased in school. I do not blame the children and teenagers I went to school with. We learn everything we learn from adults. Those adults can be our family, our friend’s family, our idols, and even a stranger we watch do something in a store. Like my Buddhist friend always says, we have to remember that someone is always watching and we are constantly walking examples. So, you see to spread bullyitis is very easy to do.
That infection spread within me easily. I suffered self- doubt and self-esteem issues. I constantly battle my disease by bragging about the things I have accomplished in life and by talking about myself a great deal. 40 some years later, I still have the need to be liked by a group of people.
I am infected when I still all these years later question what other people think or are saying. It is so easy for a friend, my lover, or a peer to look at me funny and me wonder: Do I look horrible today? Am I annoying? Do they really not like me that much? Am I getting fat? Have I changed? Do I look silly? I laugh things off and sometimes I return mean comments as “joking around”. I then later look in the mirror and wonder how much the other person meant what they said. With social media, my friends or acquaintances can write something and sometimes I wonder if they are talking about me? Even today, all these years later, I can get on an elevator and have two women behind me giggle or whisper (probably nothing to do about me at all) and still my first thought is why are they making fun of me? Do my clothes look wrinkled? Did I sit on something and not notice? Is my hair sticking up?
It is so easy to say I am the victim and not recognize you too have in some way become the perpetrator. I know how I was infected but how am I infectious? As a teenager, I was so angry about being teased that I picked on the girl in our class who had to wear diapers for her bladder infections. I thought I was making myself feel better by being the bully instead of being bullied. When I first in my twenties started engaging socially with larger groups and with the LGBT community, I would join in as my friends made fun of someone passing by or pointed out a bad dancer, someone we thought was an ugly gay person, or ridiculed some young queen’s outfit. That part of bullyitis I have been prone to on hundreds of occasions. I have found myself making nasty comments from my car when someone does not drive the way I wish and I have snickered at someone else’s misfortune, even slipping on a wet floor. I have caught myself thinking “what is she wearing? Do you see her hair? Wow, she is too big for those pants!” and even joined others in saying it out loud. When you have been bullied, it can feel falsely empowering to belittle others in return.
The worst symptom of bullyitis that can prove highly contagious is hurting the ones we love the most. It is much easier to keep people at a distance and not admit what makes us hurt. It is easy to tease back when teased. It is easy to find faults in someone rather than see the wonderful things about them. It is easy to complain about a personality trait than love it. It is easy for our low self-esteem to make us insecure when others come around. It is easy to call others what we really are: insecure and full of bullyitis. It is easy, just like coughing on someone when you have a cold and not covering your mouth, to spit out hateful words back instead of keeping quiet.
So once you realize you have been infected with bullyitis and continue to spread it, what can you do to cure yourself of it? Don’t be a bully. That is the only cure and be honest about what being mean is, even if it does not feel mean. Don’t be a bully. Such a broad statement- I know. It can mean do not make fun of people behind their back even if it is just about a hat, do not tease others even if you feel like you are joking, do not judge others, do not call others names, do not say mean things to the ones you love, etc. etc. etc. Obviously it is so much easier said than done. The idea is to simply love people. Love- the one thing we all want so badly yet it is the most difficult thing for any of us to do. Love means showing acceptance, consideration, compassion, empathy, sympathy, kindness, and courage. God knows we have not done a great job of showing those with any other epidemic.